Anyway, we’re doing this just like the crowdfunding last time, since you can only make this stuff in large batches. Choose a Pack you want, and once the 25th rolls around, the things will be made and it will all be shipped out, hopefully arriving mid-January. Like last time, there will be a few extras left over to sell afterwards, and like last time, they’ll probably sell out before you get one. So, do yourself a favor and place an order now.
Here’s the things:
Pack 1: The Sweet Parcel(10 sold)
If you’re only looking to spend a nominal amount of coin, this small parcel will get you a tiny bag of candies and four cards that can be arranged into a miniature (5×7″) festive art print. And sure, this festive art print won’t arrive until sometime in January, but you can think of it as prolonging the holidays rather than missing them. These are the lies I tell myself to feel competent.
Just like last time, the candies feature my visage in a variety of expressions (at least, a derpy facsimile as interpreted by the confectioner). The number of different expressions will depend on how much candy is sold, and each piece is filled with delicious pineapply flavor (plus maybe some other characters with their own flavors, if the order is big enough). The candies are preservative-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, fat-free, high fructose corn syrup-free… honestly, it’s just juice and sugar. Please buy it anyway.
In addition to all the fine pictures of my face you will receive, one dollar of each order will be used to buy Lego sets for inpatient pediatric hospitals and low-income family programs for the holidays. Like explained back in the 2013 campaign, Lego toys are always a high-demand item among the kids in these programs, and the people in charge of these programs are always very thankful to receive them as donations. And like last time, the delivery and receipts will be posted so you can criticize all the purchasing choices.
(Also, please note that some countries, most notably Mexico, prohibit shipping candy. If you are a person who orders things online in one of these countries, you probably already know about it. Sorry.)
Pack 2: The Even Sweeter Parcel(15 sold)
If that first option seemed appealing other than the words “tiny bag of candy”, then congratulations: this one is the exact same thing with about eight times as much candy.
Just like the other option, this includes four cards that form a high-quality miniature art print, plus provides Baltimore children with an additional dollar worth of holiday gifts. The profit margins are also slightly better, if you’re just looking to give money to the comic.
Pack 3: The Tapestry Envelope(53 sold)
The cityscape tapestries were one of the most popular items from the previous merchandise run! We made a bunch of extra ones because of this, and they sold out anyway. So now we’re making even more!
Just like the previous run, this 18×28″ picture of me in a busy cityscape is printed on polyester knit that won’t tear, crease, or crumple. You can easily hang it with tape, tacks, tacky, your own fancy custom hanging bars, or whatever else – it’s durable enough not to care. If your homeland cataclysmically sinks beneath the sea, this will be the only poster that survives. Future archaeologists will think this comic was your only interest.
Along with the tapestry, the Tapestry Envelope also includes the four cards that can be arranged into a mini-print (to be even harder to hang and take up even more of your wall space), and will add one dollar to the gift donation fund.
Pack 3½: The Tapestry Envelope That Also Comes With Candy(28 sold)
Alright, fine, because people keep asking for it: this is the Tapestry Envelope, except it also comes with some candy. That makes it way more expensive to send internationally, you know!
Pack 4: The Candy Lizard Pack Redux(49 sold)
Remember that deck of aquatic lizardman playing cards I found way back early in the comic? Now, you can find them too, in the safety of your own mailbox!
Just like in the comic, this is a fully functional 54-card waterproof poker deck. With it in your hands, you too can experience these lizardmen’s strange and alien culture and explore whatever mindblowing secrets they would hide in a deck of cards. Or, you can just look at the goofy lizard pictures and play games with your friends. People who ordered it last time keep saying the Knave of Diamonds is attractive. I don’t see it.
In addition to the deck of cards, this pack also comes with a small bag of candy, the four-card mini-print, and will add a dollar to the Lego donation fund. The holidays are saved (and prolonged)!
Pack 5: I Want It All(46 sold)
If you missed everything from the previous merchandise run, you’re in luck! Well, a little bit of luck. You can get the parts of it that are being reprinted, I mean.
This seventy-five-coin pack will leave you with the cityscape tapestry, the playing cards, two sizable bags of candy (about ten times as much as the little pack), and two copies of the mini-print (for when you lose one). Plus, unlike the other packs, this one will add four dollars to the Lego donation fund, saving the holidays to a slightly greater degree than you would’ve otherwise.
Pack 6: The Ultimate Sweetest Parcel(2 sold)
This is the joke pack. It includes a single, massive, two pound bag of the candies. There is no practical reason a rational person would spend 80 dollars on this, and I don’t even know what you’d store that much candy in after it’s open. Don’t buy it. If you’re buying a gift for someone else and looking to get them the best thing here, get the one listed above this.
If you do get this, though, you will also receive the festive mini-print. The children receive nothing.
Anyway, hopefully this will work out as well as Indiegogo did the past two times. The fees there have been getting higher, the interface keeps getting more cluttered, and as of a few months ago they no longer accept PayPal! Now they are just Kickstarter in every way.
If you have any questions, feel free to send an email or ask in the comments below.