You understand that this is the wrong thing to do. People in your position are supposed to be strong and persevere; throw down their bottles and keep on trucking through whatever hurdles wind up in their path. You understand that every fable of redemption says you can make a life-changing choice right here and keep on bounding toward Kvatch. You understand all this, you really do.
But you just don’t think you have that in you. Not everyone can be a hero like in the stories. Every failure you’re supposed to bravely shrug off instead grips your heart in a cold embrace that just makes you want to curl up in a ball and never move again. You want to change, you really do, but you’ve come to accept that it can’t be done. Some things are just a part of people and they never go away no matter how hard that person tries to fix it.
It just happens that everything about you is a problem. And all you can do about it is keep being you.
Because… I think it might be for the best if you went back to using it.
I mean, you gave yourself the name Katia Managan to symbolize starting anew didn’t you?
But… I have the suspicion that you’ve been in this place many times before.
The question strikes a nerve.
You know your real name, yet it feels foreign to you. You try to say it out loud, but you can’t.
You’re Katia Managan. It’s an identity you made up two days ago, but it already feels like… you.
For some reason, you’re just not ready to give the name up. Maybe you’re not too different from who you were before, but that doesn’t mean you’re the same person. Sure, you’ve tried to change in the past, tried to turn your life around, but you’ve never been Katia Managan. Katia Managan has been a screwup for two days, not two decades. Katia Managan still has a chance.
You don’t expect anyone to understand what it means for you to be Katia Managan. It changes everything. When you left home and came to Cyrodiil, it wasn’t just the epilogue to a long, sad story. It was the prequel to something undefined. It was a new story, too young for anyone to predict the ending. Sure, maybe the protagonist isn’t very skilled and has a drinking problem, but she’s only been around for two days. Who knows what will happen.
You don’t know if you think you can change. You don’t really know what you think at all. Maybe that’s why you drink: it makes things simpler.
You’re sorry, but you have to do this. This is a choice you are making as Katia Managan and no one else. You know it’s not a good idea, and that you might very well die. You just don’t care. At least you think you don’t. You don’t even know anymore. You’re a mess.
You don’t know how this is going to end, but that’s still better than knowing there awaits a sad ending.
Bottoms up. See you again soon, you think you hope.
Well, you’re alive.