Don’t worry, you are sure this will have no negative consequences and that you’ll be able to stop whenever you want.
Getting straight down to business, you briefly think about yourself – an amateur mage seeking to learn more about conjuration – and your appreciation toward the Soul Cairn for getting you out of that sticky situation last night. Telepathic introductions are weird.
The skeleton is happy to hear that you found CairnCorp®‘s conjuration services satisfactory, and hopes this is a sign you will continue summoning with them in the future. It considers the possibility that, if you enjoyed your experience, you’ll perhaps see fit to recommend CairnCorp® to your friends†?
You make a mental note to mention it to all three (!) of them at some point. How’s the ball-and-net game going?
The skeleton observes that today’s game in the Temple of Activity™ is progressing with the usual amount of harmonious perfection‡. The glorious Makers® have decided that it will win this game and the next by a narrow margin, before moving on to the regional championships where it will lose 1-6, 1-6.
Sounds like the skeleton, ah, has its day all planned out. You could call back later if this is a bad time?
It banishes that thought, stressing that it would enjoy nothing more than to serve you right now to the best of its capabilities‡†. It requests a moment to pull up your files.
Sure, you think, no hurry. Mostly you just have some general questions.
First of all, about those files…
You hope to the skeleton that you might be able to tweak a few of the details that were entered last time. Your initial registration was expedited a bit due to the situation you were in, but now that things have cleared up you’d like to correct some minor inaccuracies.
The skeleton notes with a tinge of disappointment that a number of the basic account setup questions, such as the registrant’s name and birthday, are set at the time of registration and cannot be adjusted. This is part of the reason new users are encouraged to prepare their account well in advance and double-check answers thoroughly for spelling mistakes.
It wasn’t really a “spelling mistake” so much as the Ideal Master (®, the skeleton adds) throwing in a bunch of answers to get the account made more quickly. You were a little too busy to care much at the time, but now that you’re no longer in mortal peril and summoning might become a regular thing for you, you’d kind of like to change your name away from “Slutty Meatsack”.
The skeleton reemphasizes that your registration name cannot be adjusted at a later date, as your information has already been added to the Holy System™ in the appropriate alphabetical location. Additionally, if the exalted Maker®, chose your name, it is most certainly an excellent name and the skeleton cannot comprehend why a change would be desired or necessary.
Would it be possible to at least change the language to something other than Dragonish?
Language preferences are indeed fully adjustable‡‡. In the interest of providing better service for you and other customers going forward, would you be willing to provide the reason for the change?
Your Dragonish is a bit limited, you think in response. Also, you’re pretty sure dragonlings don’t have a written language. That ream of papers the skeleton is holding just has “<SCREAMING>” written repeatedly on every page.
The skeleton can see where this might be a potential inconvenience. A prayer has been sent to the Makers®, and your language preferences should be updated within 3-10 business days.
The snake is imaginary! It can feel neither hot nor cold. There is no reason to worry about its wellbeing.
You can give it sassy little arms and make it give a thumbs up, though. Hopefully that’s enough to pretend it’s happy and comfortable.
Aaanyway, so, next point of business: I’m still pretty new to this whole “dealing with otherworldly entities” thing. I’m wondering, what exactly is the… model, here? Do I give you something in exchange for you sending skeleton people to me?
For legal reasons, the skeleton clarifies that CairnCorp® does not send “skeleton” “people”. You pull bonekin from the Soul Cairn® using basic conjuration technique as you would from any Daedric plane, while CairnCorp® ensures your conjured aid is fully repaired and readily available when you need it, as well as providing customer service and manaback guarantees‡‡† in the rare case that problems should arise.
As an ordinary conjurer, you won’t be buying from CairnCorp® directly. Rather, new conjuration codes will be purchased through one of our licensed resellers. Upon using a code, it is securely and nontransferably bound to your account and will remain uniquely yours until you have been fully dead‡‡‡ for at least two years, whereupon your account is automatically closed. Your Free Conjurer Account entitles you to summon one (1) Soul Cairn denizen at a time, although this number increases if you choose to upgrade to a Platinum Account™.
Okay, you think, that seems almost suspiciously non-evil. There’s no secret trick here to take over my mind or steal my soul?
CairnCorp® prides itself on an inviting environment and friendly customer service. We would never steal your soul, although we offer competitive‡‡‡† rewards should you sign it over voluntarily. If a customer is on the fence about this decision, we encourage them to seriously consider whether they had any better plans or prospects for their soul.
Alright, so, I’m gonna change the topic before I start thinking about that too hard.
Maybe someone higher up there is looking to branch beyond mere conjuration services and wanted to experiment in the realm of nightmares?
It could be some kind of inception based advertising campaign… make people feel vulnerable so that they want to summon some osseous defenders? Of course if that were true you’d expect to see some branding by the end of the dream… but what if you’ve been waking up in a cold sweat just before the logo reveal every time?
Third question. It’s a longshot, but… just to check, do you guys ever tamper with dreams?
CairnCorp® is a high-quality provider of conjuration services. Altering dream states falls outside the purview of their business.
I mean, not as a business thing, but maybe as advertising? Have you ever given people scary dreams to make them see your company name, or feel like they need skeletal defenders? Anything like that?
The skeleton recalls that a nightmare-based marketing campaign was proposed at a meeting several centuries ago. As CairnCorp®‘s planar location is optimized for ease of summoning, not dream intervention, the suggested campaign would have been operated in collaboration with the Daedric Prince Vaermina. However, the analyghasts foretold that such a campaign would draw interest to Vaermina’s plane of Quagmire more than to the Soul Cairn®, and it was ultimately concluded that the gains of the campaign would not outweigh its price.
So you didn’t do it, but you did think about it. As in, it’s something a summoning plane might consider. Also, you implied you have a way to contact Vaermina?
Although CairnCorp® highly discourages its customers from fraternizing with hazardous Daedric entities, most planes ruled by a Daedric Prince have a public number for business inquiries. The skeleton would be happy to forward your call to Quagmire, if you have questions about purchasing nightmares.
You might take the skeleton up on that offer later, you think in response. You’re still new to this conjuration stuff, and don’t really know how to reach places.
But, ah, before that: fourth question. I’m sorry if this is outside your plane’s specialty, but do you know anything about restoration magic?
The skeleton wishes it knew less about the BAD MAGIC.