Sep 032011

masonthekiller wrote:
Dmitri: Be a doormat. Doormats hardly ever die.

You present your meager belongings to the very professional orcish bandit, trying your best to keep the letter concealed. You try to remain calm and polite. “This is enough, right? If not, I can mix potions. Maybe we could work out a deal or something?”

The orc declines your offer. “I’m not really looking for a long term business arrangement here,” he explains, “I just had some time to kill while waiting for the patrol to pass by. Figured I’d make a little side-income, if you know what I’m saying. This haul looks like it’ll fetch a good 40 drakes or so.”

“Though I couldn’t help but notice that fine piece of mail you still have in your pocket.”

mortimre wrote:
Dmitri: be honest and tell him that all you’ve got on you is a letter with a ring in it that has more sentimental value then actual value.

You reluctantly reveal the letter for Katia. “It’s… for a friend. All it contains is a ring, and that ring has more sentimental value than actual value. I know I’m in no position to negotiate, but I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t take this.”

The orc says he’ll consider it, but wants to check the value himself. “It won’t take long, I always keep a reference book on jewelry appraisal squeezed between my tight, herculean glutes. Check it:”


“Holy shit, this is a Ring of Firewalking! No, this is a Ring of Firewalking with a fucking diamond on it! It’s my lucky day! If its sentimental value is seriously higher than its actual value, this thing must be crazy sentimental. Sorry Chestnut, I can’t see myself parting with a sweet catch like this.”

“Hey, don’t feel down. You’ve provided important resources to my business, and I am thankful for that. I’m thinking I might even leave one of those scrolls here to tip for good service. Just one scroll though, since this ring’s gonna be a bitch to cash. I’ll probably have to sell it at a Mages Guild to get full price, which means hiking all the way to Anvil, Chorrol, or Skingrad.”

  • Linktoreality

    Worst. Orc. Ever.

  • Crysis

    …those be some powerful gluts…i’m also wondering what hes hiding in em other than a book

    • Wind

      >.> You don’t want to drink those potions.

      • creeperbro

        Great, thanks to you I got images that I’ll never get out of my head…

    • Bombzinski

      You pick up those septims for good luck. You throw those septims in fountains and make wishes on them.

  • asdf1234

    Oh my god its back.

  • Unholy D

    Ask him if he could remove his sword that is currently pinning you, without removing any of your appendages in the process and then ask what kind of a scroll he’s offering. Not all scrolls are magical y’know.

    • Unholy D

      I really need to go to sleep, ask if he’ll leave the Scroll of Cure Light Wounds. He seems a rather robust fellow and you doubt he’d have any need for such a restorative item, that, and it’s not a very expensive scroll to begin with. He’d get like 5 septims out of it, if that.

  • LiquidDinosaur

    “Sweet Jesus, that buttock. You could ricochet a quarter off that buttock and kill a man where he stands.”

    • Ahz


  • PlagueRat

    someone needs to suggest that the orc looks in Dmitri’s chest. Then when he gets a face full of angry zombie cat Dmitri can get his ring back, or sound the alarm to the other necromancers.

  • Cheeseyx

    Yay for submission. He even saved a magic scroll, and might be able to get free delivery of the letter, though it would involve getting Katia robbed again (unless she used her fire magic to beat him, which would definitely fail and might end up making him steal even more from her)

  • Unholy D

    I’m just surprised that NOONE else has arrived to see what was up. You’d think there’d be more than ONE guy on guard duty for a group of necromancers. Everytime I’ve played Oblivion, there was at least 2 guys just milling around everywhere, not all of them apprentices. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe Gro-Upp DOES have ‘all the luck’.

    • Thatfrood

      This is Oblivion we’re talking about here. The “radiant ai” is probably too busy staring at a wall and discussing mudcrabs.

      • polysyllabist

        Nasty creatures they are. Say, have you heard about Kvatch? WAIT, what was that?! Hmm, probably just rats.

        • tallgrass

          Have you heard about the Emperor’s death? Assassinations have happened bef-

          What was that? I need to lay off the ale!

          • Tsutla

            “must have been the wind!”

    • jayngfet

      Of course there are two guys here. One’s dead, the other’s pinned to the wall.

  • Vero

    I’m just going to keep staring at the gif of him retrieving his book from his herculean glutes until it stops being funny.

    I’m gonna be a while.

    • Dragon

      It wasn’t actually funny to me until I read this. Now it is.

      …I may be a while.

  • Link

    Oh well, that’s one problem out of the way really…
    That ring would only have caused a lot of confusion had it gotten to Katia.

    I wonder what crevices Gro-Upp has left to keep items in xD

  • MysteryJack

    This guy just makes everyone’s lives miserable, doesn’t he?

    • Not that Adam

      Truly he is an RPG hero.

  • Zayle

    Now Katia will encounter him, and her only spell will be useless…

    • Jack

      If you didnt see that coming from a mile I’m kind of disappointed.

    • Karne

      She does have a Memeber of the Imperial Legion with her. At the least ASOTIL should be able to hold Gro-Upp off while she flees to safety.

      Or, you know. They’ll do drugs and go on a killing spree. ASOTIL isn’t the brightest flame in the fire.

    • LehkiBug

      Considering that this still would have happened if the Wand of Silence or the Amulet of Spell Reflection had been chosen instead, the ring was probably the best choice. Gro-upp would have a chance to resist her fireball, rather then reflecting it back at her or silencing her so she no magic at all.

  • Jebediah Oldenheimer


  • Deutschebag

    I second the ‘look in Dmitri’s Chest’ motion.
    Then he can take the ring and run for it.

    • irrelevantScribbler

      I third the “Look in Dmitri’s Chest” motion. Zombie kitty attack!

      • xcliber

        As great an idea as it would sound, the muscular orc already said that he wasn’t gonna stick around to search his other belongings and that this was a quick side trip.

  • JellyMan

    Tell him to not look in your chest, as there is a helpless cat in there that might get killed by the orc for being all up in his grill, if you know what I’m sayin’,

  • Zagura

    Katia’s gonna need some nitro if she ever hopes to use her fire magic against this guy now. XD

  • xcliber

    Try persuading the orc, as a business man, that taking the ring is not a profitable idea as it may require as much in travel expenses to reach the town/city as the ring’s actual value may be. He may even lose money on the deal.

  • > Dmitri: Show some guts man! Pull out that sword and retrieve that ring back!

    • Random Hajile

      I can imagine that only would end with him showing some guts in a more literal sense.

  • Ravenwrath

    Dimitri: Tell him that, if hes gonna take that ring it means that he accepted to be your platonic freind, as far as you know.
    Which means he has to stop mocking you! And Katia…

  • IP

    Chan cast Posion clouds and skeleminions 😀

    • IP

      Chain cast* like a noob who has magika potions :3

  • Yo

    Dimitri: Send Katia one of the other trinkets. It’ll be ok.

  • King_Burgerking

    And people call me racist for saying orcs are bad news.

    • egg brother

      honestly i agree. not many orcs that are not bandits or daedra worshippers

  • Felidire

    awh, now his tight, herculean glutes are impervious to flames. D:

  • GentleCorgy’s#7COMBO

    Why not negotiate Dimitri.
    Tell him that if he gives back the ring, then you can fetch through your dead pals’ rooms and enchant some sweet jewelry and add diamonds on them.
    Also, Gro-Upp is definetly sounding like Twayne Boneraper (from Ugly Amarians) in my mind.

  • Rutsber

    “gonna to be.” It’s in the last paragraph.

    • Kazerad


  • The Dragonborne

    By the name Molag Bal I wish I was there, this orc is pissing me off so much I want to fus-ro-dah him through a wall.. off the balcony of a castle tower..

    • egg brother

      wait, what does molag bal have to do with anything? molag bal is connected with vampires, malacath is worshipped by the orcs. just a fun fact

  • NoriMori

    I love his face when he looks at the Ring of Firewalking. XD

  • egg brother

    1. he must not know what sentimental means

    2. i was playing skyrim a few days ago when i was attacked by an orc. upon looting him i found an amulet of firewalking. i laughed so hard. realized it wasnt a ring and felt sad

    decided to post this cuz it made me think of this part

  • Ballpint

    He just shat out a book…

  • dtlux14

    I hate him so much, but love his Rock Hard Abs… He isn’t as good as Brock though…