Quill-Weave: Take control of the situation


“The cave is dark and gloomy, its thick atmosphere sending a bone-chattering chill down your spine. As you descend into its depths, the room opens up before you into a dead-end rectangular chamber, its ground tiled with small squares of stone, each little more than a foot in width. The six tiles nearest to you have no apparent binding between them, almost as if they were meant to be…”


“I begin examining the tiles for any modicum of information as to what we are supposed to do with them.”

“Eloquin’s search uncovers that the tiles are square, and tiles. Whatever device is under them is concealed from sight and they look too sturdy to remove.”

“I roll for Arcana. Twenty.”

“The Wizard Scralsk senses no magic coming from the tiles. Whatever mysterious and exciting puzzle device is underneath these six tiles, it is either purely mechanical or its magic is strongly concealed.”

“Maybe you should push one.”

adventuregamer wrote:
This DM is my spirit animal. Solve his wondrous puzzle, Quill-Weave.

“I push the far left tile in your goddamn puzzle.”

“Nothing happ-”

“Screw this, screw you, I’m gonna get wasted,” you grumble.

FakelyMcSuggestor wrote:
Exposit on current situation

Thus far, your attempt to distract yourself from some recent events in your life has been an utter failure. Entertainment and human interaction were apparently insufficient for your distraction purposes, so it’s time to fall back to Plan B.

Plan B is just a ton of alcohol.

“Wilbur! Get me fifteen more of those Nord ales.”

“I’m pretty sure that will kill you,” he bitches.

“I’m an Argonian you racist fuckwit. Fifteen is like the bare minimum for ‘pass out on your floor and piss myself’.”

“You’re not putting together a very good case here.”

“Yes, putting together a case is what you’re supposed to be doing. Hop to it.”

“Quill, are you moping?”

“No,” you say.

“Is this about your friend in Chorrol?”

“No,” you lie.

“No, come on, you’re acting like a hatchling. You’ve spent enough time locked up in that box of fruit and booze you call a house. Go play with your friends.”

“I tried that. It’s not helping. It’s booze time now. Boooooze O’clock.”

“Booze O’clock can come when you need Booze O’clock. Right now you need to get up and stop being a mopey, aquatic stick-in-the-mud.

“That’s what she said.”

“Really, Quill? Three bottles of ale and we’re already at ‘that’s what she said’?”

“No, I mean that’s literally what…”


Wilbur sighs deeply. “How about this: if you’re going to mope on my counter and drink alone, at least spring for something you like. We both know those bottled Nord ales are shit. What do you really want?”

…Maybe a painkiller.

“What was that?”

“…A painkiller?”

He almost smiles. “I’ll have to juice a pineapple, but I can do that.”

“No funny business, though! I’m still not letting go of this counter until I’m too smashed to walk away!”

“Self-righteous Redguard prick.”

You grumble some more vague obscenities under your breath as you watch him head off. You’re not moping, you’re just taking a small and much-deserved break from dealing with the world and your dumb problems therein.

The world can wait. You are clinging to this countertop now. And until you are properly intoxicated, absolutely nothing in the world will get you to let go of it.

“Ffffffuckin’ score! Just found the classy bar.”

“Hhello handsome, there! Guess how many times I’ve had sex in the last twenty minutes. Here’s a hint: it’s a number atween zero and affinity. And it’s not affinity, or necessarily zero.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Wilbur asks stoically.

“Why, it’s fortuvenient you asked, my sir good. It woul… it would jut so happen I am in the market for a drink, preferrabbley of the free variety, as this current bottle I was so kindly supplied has nearly reached its empty.”

“I’m afraid everything here costs money, unless I could interest you in a glass of w-”

“Well that’s the cat’s pajamas because I’d also be willing to work for a drink! You just have to find s… something this worthless whore is wood at and Iiiii’ll work that tab away! Here’s a hint: it’s probably sexual favors.”

“Y… you’ll be back. I’m fuckin’ earra-sistipple, and w… we don’t know eachother well enough for you to leave forever yet. You’ll find something you want me to do, and I’ll rock you.”

“You’ll find something I can do. And… I won’t be a complete…”

“OH! You wouldn’t know it looking at me, but I’m actually pretty good with a yoyo.”

“Also penises. Like I just wanted to get that out there, in case it sounded like the yoyo was a metaphor, because it’s not. I’m like legit okay at that.”

“O-oh, well hello there! You look like someone more interesting than mister Bartender Mc… bartending, over here. Could I interest you in a drink? Except I mean the other way around.”

“Is this an intervention?” you ask. “Is this supposed to show me where my life is headed, and scare me into sobriety?

Wilbur shrugs. “No, actually this is completely unplanned. But if it worked… you still want your godawful fruity drink?”

“Depends. Are you still refusing to get me those fifteen bottles of ale?”

“Point taken.”

ColorfulHorse6 wrote:
So this cat girl. You should make out with this girl. All my fanfiction has told me that it is meant to be.


Ignoring the whole fact that you’re in kind of a weird, drink-your-problems-away place right now with regard to romance: first of all, she is clearly drunk as hell. Second, you have no idea where that mouth has been. Third, she’s a Khajiit, and you’re sure deep down you’re at least a little racist.

And fourth, you doubt she’d be particularly receptive to your advances, given what she said before and what she’s trying to do to Gorgo right now.

You’re not sure why this line of thought would even come up.

ColorfulHorse6 wrote:
She could totally be into ladies too! You’ll never know unless you approach her about it.

You like and appreciate how this command ignores every piece of reasoning except for the weakest one.

You have no interest, and you’re sure she’d have no interest either.

ColorfulHorse6 wrote:
But how do you KNOW she’d have no interest?

You almost forgot you could do this, but:

You switch on your gaydar.

Well, that settles that. You can now happily and permanently put to rest every stupid and unlikely scenario in which this random nameless cat ends up in your bed, because it will never happen no matter what.

Really nice acrobatics, though.

“Were you just using your-”

“Just get me my drink.”

“Whoosh! I am now flying OUT of the bar! And flat on their asses! Wait, no, I… I got that joke wrong.”

“Pineapple! That’s… anyone have a pineapple around? I’ve… I’ve this got great party trick, it was a real… real hit back in the last place I fucked everything up, aaaaand everything, but I need a pineapple. It’s great, and… that. Oh! Hello again, ukanorn!”

ItalianArgonian wrote:
Aren’t you going to follow her? She might be one pineapple away from doing something impressive. Aren’t you curious?

No, you are perfectly content to stare at this wooden countertop until it’s Gettin’ Plastered Time. You harbor no curiosity regarding the nonsensical sequence of events that have transpired around you. You’re just going to sit here and deal.

ColorfulHorse6 wrote:
So I gather that you had some kind of fight/disagreement with your “friend” up in Chorrol. And now you’re here moping (totally are) in a bar and passing up interesting/baffling/lifechanging experiences. Did you consider that these kind of reactions might have been what your friend meant when she purportedly called you a “stick in the mud?”

Probably. And that doesn’t make you feel any better about confronting the world again, knowing she’s right about you.

So you’re just going to lay here and be a misanthropic stick-in-the-mud, and then later you’ll write a book about people who are more adventurous than you, publish it, and make millions. Again.

Horrible_Roleplayer_ wrote:
A wize non-wizard of my weorld once said: an object at rest will stay at rest, until a force is applied. Mayhaps, yon argonian, that is where thou stand. Caught in a slump, or a cycle, and unwilling to apply the force to break it.

You are hurting, argonian. And your friend, I bet, was hurting too when you disagreed with her on whatever. Maybe it is time for a change. If you want things to change for the better, maybe it’s time to stop being a “stick in the mud” Maybe thou must… go a little crazy?

And everything you do will turn to gold.

That sounds cheesy, stupid, and you hate yourself a little for thinking it.

“Quill? Where did you-”

“PINEAPPLE! I have a pineapple!”

“I have a fucking pineapple,” you reiterate, “what were you going to do with it?”

“Oh well it’s pretty great, and I’ve been told it looks almost impossible, but I probably maybe don’t think it’s something you’d be intere-”

“TRY ME. Let’s take this pineapple and go back to the bar because I am taking control of my life, I’ve stopped being a stick-in-the-mud, and I want to see what the hell you could possibly do with a pineapple.”

“Oh well if that’s the case,” the Khajiit says as she accepts your spiky fruit. “But nah, b…buildings are redundant. It’s like, why do we need a second sky, made of wood? Also over here seems like a good place and I can totally make all the friends.”

“Wait, like… over there?” you ask. “There are… a lot of people around here, and-”


You suddenly feel like your attempt at taking control may have only further exacerbated this situation.

Wilbur concedes that, yeah, it is probably Booze O’clock for you now.

  • Jirky-Kake

    Wilbur is not amused.
    That was fucking awesome. Now I guess Booze o’ clock is the deciding factor for Katia to be in her house… Hmmm… I wonder… Does the gaydar (lol) work on bisexuals??? There’s still a chance ;3
    Also, I’m just going to use the best of my imagination of she did with that pineapple…

    P.S: FIRST!!!

  • FiveForty

    Did Katia just reveal her real name, albeit in a drunken slur?

    • FiveForty

      Nevermind. I was referring to the line “I’m fuckin’ earra-sistipple”, but it took me way too long to realize it was supposed to be read as “Irresistible”.

      • DrNameless

        Smooth like jazz

  • EMPeace

    We did it? sweet!

    *you have lost karma*

  • Awesome comic, thanks Kazerad for making Prequel. I think what really got me was the Mage’s guild sign looking over to see Katia embarrass herself.

  • Drakkard

    YOU MADE MY DA…WEEK! This is fuckin hilarious, and those emotions on literally every picture… Ahhh.

    … And I just HAD to do this. Sorry Katia!


  • Elzipper7

    Found this tid-bit from drunk!Katia on yet another read-through:
    “We don’t know eachother well enough for you to leave forever yet.”
    Huh. My, my, what is this implying?

  • destinysWalrus

    Is it weird that I want the picture of Quill-Weave bursting out the door and shouting “PINEAPPLE!” as a desktop background now? Because I totally do. *begins plotting*

    (Not, uh, as a gif though, those are terrible for backgrounds apparently. Just the part where she’s actually half-out the door)

    • cheesybob


      • destinysWalrus

        I am trying, it’s just that I’m having extreme difficulty figuring out how vectors work so I can make the image actually big enough. *scowl* This is kind of embarrassing, I’m the computer person, I should be able to do this.

        Anyway, if at some point I manage to get it to a good desktop-background size by vectoring it or getting someone else to do so for me, I’ll probably dump a link in the command thread or something.

      • destinysWalrus

        For those who, like me, wanted Quill-Weave bursting out of a door holding a pineapple as a background, I have successfully defeated the vectoring program.

        5000px wide version: http://imageshack.us/a/img825/322/kpji.png
        1366x768px version: http://imageshack.us/a/img844/5531/fxms.png

  • NK


    • patrick

      I assumed that was the Orc from the beginning.

      • Hail

        I believe so yes

  • wrincewind

    Well, that was awesome.

  • RockFox

    I imagine Wilbur talking in the voice of scruffy, the janitor.

  • Am… Am I the only one that sees our criminal best friend/epic highway man in the corner of the last few panels??? Showing off his ROCKING ABS? 0_0

  • JJ

    Man Quill-Weave just can’t catch a fucking break from anybody.

    • patrick

      That is not so! She got her crate of ale in the end.

  • Is it just me or does Quill’s gaydar mean that she herself is gay? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure it works like that.

    • ST

      …Quil is gay. It was explicitly stated in the earlier comics.

  • “Whoosh! I am now flying OUT of the bar! And flat on their asses! Wait, no, I… I got that joke wrong.”

    What’s the original joke?

    • Kazerad

      It’s a callback to a joke she tells way back in the “Katia: Excelsior” flash. I don’t remember the complete joke off the top of my head, but if you go down to the chapel basement and talk to the priestess there, it’ll eventually come up.

      It’s not actually very good, but Katia likes it.

      • “An Altmer, a Dunmer, and a Bosmer all walk into a bar…and land flat on their asses!”

        • Kazerad

          You were warned.

  • ButNoone

    just played oblivion again then read this and I’m amazed at the accuracy of anvil, kaz might be taking his sweet time updating but the writing is just so well thought out and planned it has to be going somewhere

  • Tei’lien Raektan

    Oh boy!

  • Commentatorius


    Katia: “HeyYa Misss do U have owna house in this town. Night’ssstill young an I could go fo some “acshen” if youa game!

    Quill: “uhm… well, my house is right over there…”

    Katia: “SweEt!” *turns around* “Hey Mishta Gharug! I found us a place!”

    Quill: :'(

  • Pel Talapos

    Is this “Gaydar” a skill of a magical nature, or based on the homosexual’s natural understanding of the mannerisms, both slight & explicit, that come naturally to their kind? If the former, is it possible that “Gaydar” works by releasing a specific arcane energy that bounces off of auras of a fabulous variety, giving other gays the appearence of being sparkly, sort of like the sonar used by bats? If that is so, then perhaps Ms. Managan absorbed that particular spectrum of mana directed towards her, since she is of the Atronoch? If the latter is true though, that would mean that her use of “Gaydar” should considered inaccurate since she didn’t factor in a certain, obvious variable(hint: She’s DRUNK).