Mikhail Quest (non-canon joke update)


Bibliophael wrote:
Tamriel’s poison apples are incredibly deadly. Within seconds of consuming the smallest amount, you are dead. I find it unlikely, then, that Sotil has either successfully immunized himself or eaten a bite of the wrong apple.

I could be wrong, of course.

Mikhail wrote:
Sounds about right … considering how acquainted I am with those damned apples.
I keep pressing Ctrl + Click which makes me eat them myself instead of Shift + Click to drop them.
I was always curious what they thought to find a dead guy in their dining room. 😐

You are now Mikhail’s Oblivion character.

You are performing an assassination, and this requires you to place a poisoned apple on this table. All you have to do is put the apple down without eating it. For any normal person this would be a trivial task. But you, you are an adventurer. Everything is a federal fucking issue for you.

Anyway, this apple. You just have to move your arm toward the table and-


Where did it go? Haha.

Yeah, you fucked up.

You can no longer be Mikhail’s Oblivion character because Mikhail’s Oblivion character’s insides have been liquefied.

  • stupidjellyfish

    Fucking Mikhail.

  • Ouch. 🙁 Liquefied? How is he still standing if his insides were liquefied?

  • Bob

    Mmm dat logic, Argonians are well known to be very resistant to any kind of poisons and yet his stomach now turns to jelly.

    Unless the person just drowned that poor apple in vat of poison for several days, that is one hell of a fruit.

    • Ampersand

      Poisoned Apples Ignore resistances in Oblivion

      • Bob

        That’s one hell of a fruit D:

        • Commentatorius

          Poisoned Apple:

          Once eaten, the Poisoned Apple applies a script effect that adds the Ability “Damage Health 10 points” to the victim. Since the damage being done is now a character’s Ability, there is no way to resist, cure, or dispel it after it’s activated.
          If you consume a poisoned apple, you will take damage at 10 points per second indefinitely.

          source: http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Oblivion:Poisoned_Apple

          One hell of a fruit indeed

  • stupidjellyfish

    I’ve come to realize that this is 2 years old. How the heck did I miss this?

    • Dragomok

      Because – up until very recently – it has been hidden away.

      I’m pretty sure the Side Stories page – which links to here – has appeared between this and the following update.

  • Unidentified BA

    I guess he did not find his accidental apple eating very applealing. Apple-pealing. That’s as far as I am willing to try.

    • Kazerad

      oh my god

      • Zzzzzx

        did you find that Appleing?
        ok I’m done

    • Zzzzzx

      Lets have a round of Appleause for that pun.

      • varsaigen

        So cat puns make things spontaneously burn. Do apple puns make it rain poison?

        • Bob

          I could say so.

          These puns are just rotten to the CORE.

        • Kirone

          you, my friend, have just planted the seeds to a lot of questions.

  • RothniHalias

    I love the line “For any normal person this would be a trivial task. But you, you are an adventurer.”

  • Dream

    Every time I scroll up I burst out laughing cause, his face. Its just like *YUM! U mad bro?*

  • Obviousguy

    I’m extremely ashamed because I had nO FUCKING IDEA ABOUT POISONED APPLES OH MY GOD. And I had Oblivion for like, ever.

    • Bob

      Don’t be, I knew about poisoned apples but never once ever bothered to use or place one for a target to eat.

      Not my style.

      Personally, I usually like to sneak in with an invisibility spell cast or potion and then sneak up behind the target and give them a good stab in the back with a very potent poison. Like a snake with its’ prey.

  • fredsite

    He just looks mildly sad about eating it, like he just ate a slice of pie that he was saving for later. I guess you aren’t capable of much more than mild emotions when your insides have been liquefied.

  • dtlux14

    Oh god, I love this. Now then, WHERE THE CRAP IS AN UPDATE!

  • Bobanook

    What is even going on this is the first comment section to show up for me. No other page loads comments. This is also amazing.

  • alekksandar

    Why, Mikhail? WHY?